Help Me Improve My Sucky Writing!

japsa wrote:There's always one.

Too many.... Your a mod.... FIX IT NAO!

Fix what?

japsa wrote:Saj, Alex is lying. He was making fun of you.

SILENCE! Or your mod powers are mine! Muahahaha.

Alex wrote:

japsa wrote:Saj, Alex is lying. He was making fun of you.

SILENCE! Or your mod powers are mine! Muahahaha.

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

japsa wrote:

Alex wrote:

japsa wrote:Saj, Alex is lying. He was making fun of you.

SILENCE! Or your mod powers are mine! Muahahaha.

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

I don't need to, I just need to take your mod powers

japsa wrote:Fix what?

The as you said "One" and as I said "Too Many..." flame war-starting post(s)....

I was referring to the "One" as you comforting Saj.

japsa wrote:I was referring to the "One" as you comforting Saj.

Of course I did.... I consider all people on this forum as a friend, and I stick up for my friends.... Tis' the way I roll.... Fo shizzle.....

Hows that working out for you?

Perfectionatly..... lol....made-up word (I think...)

More people need to watch Fight Club.

Pretty good, but I ain't no gay. So don't be bitchin' 'bout that.

Okay, this next part is not for the faint heart. I say that now. Homophobes please leave. Yeah, so as per usual give me some advice on what to improve, and what was good that I improved on and should continue doing... ect. Sooo yeah... that's for giving me advice by the way! <3

Part Two: Keep Your Hands Off Of Me!

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“Don’t touch it!” I growled, slapping away my brother’s hand. I took the ice-cold beer off of my forehead and took a huge gulp. “Just get me a wet towel and leave me alone.”

“Cayden you’re bleeding! Did you get in another fight at the bar again?” Joshua asked as he pried the brown bottle out of my bloody hands. He took a damp towel and whipped away the clotted blood below my nose.

“I wasn’t in another fight… at the bar anyways,” I mumbled. “It’s nothing really, you can leave me alone.” I took a sharp breath in as he touched one of the many bruises on my face.

“You’ve got a black eye and blood spewing uncontrollably from your nose, how am I gonna leave you alone?” My brother said as he placed an icepack on my head. He began to whip away more blood off of my face when I snatched away the cloth.

“I’ll do this… Your too fucking good of a brother you know that. You’re always there to clean my wounds and you’ve never hurt me… well there was that time at summer camp,” I laughed, beginning to clean the dried blood all over my face.

“What the hell happened? Who did this to you?” Joshua asked taking a seat in the chair next to mine. I just stared into space trying to ignore his question. “Cayden, listen to me!” He barked. I dramatically and jokingly rolled my head over to look at him.

“Yes, my dearest brother? What is it that you wish to tell me?” I said, trying way to hard to lighten the mood. I studied my brother hard. Usually, he was a kind looking guy; he looked almost exactly like me. We both had dirty blonde hair and brown eyes. The only strong difference between us was the fact that I had an unusual shade of tanned skin, while he had a more normal Caucasian skin color. Right then, he looked angry. Angrier than when I slept with his girlfriend. Ok so maybe less angry, but he still looked damn scary!

“Who did this?” He asked, staring straight at me. I sighed. My brother never let anybody hurt me. It was nice to know he cared, but sometimes I just wanted to smack him and tell him to live his own life.

“Some ass hole at work. Really it’s no big deal, so just drop it, okay?” I leaned over and grabbed the beer bottle, taking another swig and putting it back on the table.

“God, you really gotta stop drink that shit, it’s nasty!” Joshua said examining the contents of the beer bottle.

“Nasty? Who are you kidding? Beer’s the best thing we human’s have ever made!” I laughed.

“Still doesn’t change the fact it takes nasty,” Joshua said.

I laughed, then leaned over and grabbed the beer bottle again. I swirled around the remnants of the beer. Looks like another one was needed. I stood up and turned back to my brother, “Want a beer? I gotta refill,” I asked. Joshua rocked his head side to side contemplating whether or not he should take up on the offer.

“Why not?” Joshua sighed. “It’s going to kill my kidneys though.”

“Shut up you stupid doctor!” I called back from the fridge. My brother was working as a doctor. We’d been sharing the apartment for about a year by then, and he was still paying back the money he owed from med school, but I knew that soon, he’d be living in luxury while I’d living in trenches. It made me feel really… disappointed. I mean, I’d been with this guy for almost 25 years and then suddenly I wouldn’t see him for a long time. I was being a total wuss.

I flopped back down into my chair with a loud grunt as I whacked my sore back on the backrest as I fell into the cushions. I randomly tossed the beer bottle and bottle opener to my brother, he opened his beer, and then he tossed the bottle opener back. I watch Joshua as he took a sip of the alcohol and his face screwed up into an expression of disgust.

“It still tastes like piss,” He mumbled as he cautiously took another sip.

-----------------

The next day at work was interesting. Interesting would have to be an understatement. It was mind blowing, shocking, whatever other word you want to use. The morning was normal… and lunch was uneventful. During the end of the day was when things began to get really… interesting.

The squad went on a run. Not too unusual. We were soldiers, so a good physical condition was a must. We’d do some ‘physical training’ every day. Sarge is a fucking slave driver. So of course after the ‘physical training’ everyone hit the showers. I, being one of the slowest people in the world, was too late to be first in the showers. But I was used too it. I waited my turn and took a shower.

I’m sure nobody is interested in what I do in the shower. I think the routine is the same for most. Anyway, after I got out of the shower nobody was left in the washroom, except Carmine. I just tried ignored that ass hole. I wanted nothing to do with him.

The thing I noticed about Carmine was another scar. It might have been from a really bad burn, because it seemed to stretch out all over his back. I just continued to stare, until I realized that I wasn’t looking at the scar anymore, but his toned chest. I shook my head. What the fuck? Seriously.

I just walked past Carmine, picked up my belt, and buckled it up. Again I found myself sneaking glances his way. I shook my head again. What was with me?

I began to open the door to leave the bathroom when Carmine used two of his fingers to grab me from my lower neck. He forcefully spun me around and stared right into my eyes.

“You gonna beat me again?” I said calmly. Carmine didn’t answer. He just squeezed his fingers tighter. I cried out ‘ow’ a couple times before Carmine placed his lips over mine.

I could see that his eyes were closed, and his face was flushed red, as was mine. I made a disgusted face as I tried to get Andrew off of me, but his fingers only squeezed harder. Instinctively to the pain I tried to bite my lip, but obviously Carmine’s was in the way. I could hear him let out a slight groan as I bit harder. That weirdo seemed to like it.

I was able to push Carmine off of me, and sent him crashing to the ground. He giggled and looked up at me. “You liked it, didn’t you?” He said in a hushed voice.

“Hell no!” I yelled. “You sick bastard,” I growled.

“Ooo, Taking dominance, that's hot. I like it rough, but, you already know that, right?” He said, smiling seductively. For a moment I stood staring malevolently at him. He continued to smile at me.

I grabbed Andrew by the throat and pulled him up to his feet. He smiled and moaned as I squeezed tighter. “You sick bastard! Keep your filthy hands off of me,” I snarled. With as much force as I could muster I punched him in the face. All he did was laugh.

“So, if we’re going to do it this way, what’s our safety word?” Andrew whispered in my ear. I could see his face becoming redder from lack of air by the second. How could this turn on any freak?

“Fuck you!” I snapped.

“Please do. Don’t be too gentle,” Carmine smiled. He took his left hand, which was previously dangling by his side, and put it in my pants. I could immediately feel my face flush. “That’s cute, the way you blush when I touch you.”

“Go die in a hole!” I yelled as I threw him into the wall and kneed him in the stomach. Again he moaned in pleasure. “Cock sucker,” I whispered as I left the room.

I remember hearing him say, “No, I receive, I don’t give,” as I left the door, but I could barely hear him.
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Whoop whoop! Masochists ftw!

That was........ Very interesting. But the writing was good I suppose. Not much I could say about it, you varied the swear like youw ere told and you used them in a bit more moderation. Thumbs up

Um....odd but anyways good writing

Yay! I feel appreciated! Anyone else got anything to say... or are you all too traumatized? lol

No offense but once they got gay with eachother i stopped!

That's understandable, I was expecting most of the guys to stop at that point! LOL

Except for Alex

Lol, oh cmon man grow up it's just literature XD

I read all the way... it was rather odd and weird.....

Alex wrote:Lol, oh cmon man grow up it's just literature XD You're Right! I eagerly read it over and over again and can't wait for the next chapter!

Fixed! ....Lol jkjk

Real mature Dredlokk!

I know!

I respect you for that.... that will be the only time I do not yell at someone for editing quotes.