Help Me Improve My Sucky Writing!

Sooo I wrote a story... and currently I suck at writing so I thought, maybe epiquers can help me! So I'll post parts of a story and slowly continue each part and then you guys'll tell me what I should improve on and what was good that I did improve on.

P.S. This story contains potty mouthness some content that maybe inappropriate for children under the age of 13 and contains some... gayness... really... 2 guys fall in love... so yeah.... if that makes you awkward... don't read... It's not like it will be smut... it'll just have dudes kissing... ect. and it will be violent... eventually....

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The first day I came here Sarge said, “Keep your personal lives out of work.” I did just that. I never came to the base upset after my fiancée cheated on me, or when my mother told me she didn’t recognize me as a son any more. I stayed emotionless. A dog of the government. I did what I was told, and never asked questions. I tried so hard to keep my personal life out of work… the thing was, I didn’t know I’d find my personal life at work.

I never wanted anything to do with another man. Never thought I’d ‘swing that way’ or ‘play that fiddle’, if you catch my drift. It was all so sudden, like “holy shit” worthy. Then, it just ended. The ending was “fuck me” worthy… pardon the pun.

I’d like to start from the beginning, but where would that be? My birth? When I graduated? When I joined the military? The first day I met Andrew Carmine? Or should I start with the end? That’s always a nice place to start, but I don’t think you’ll understand. Whatever…

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It was about 5 months ago, or six… fuck, I don’t care anymore. It was a hot summer day in southern California… God damn it this is so fucking gay! Clichés to the max. Fucking sunny California. I was working on the small military base, far south of L.A. so not much happened there. Every night, our squad’d go out drinking, and come to work with a fucking huge hangover. It’s not like anyone cared, fuck there were like 20,000 people in our sucky town, in turn that makes our military very small.

Anyway one day everyone came to work, hung-over as usual, and we were introduced to a new guy that day. His name was Andrew Carmine. He wasn’t too interesting. He had dark auburn hair, which was cut short like all of ours, and he wasn’t very unique. Average height, for a guy, averagely good-looking, average all around. He kinda looked like a pansy, at first glance that is, but you get up close to him and you can see horror behind those ice blue eyes. I guess he looked tougher with that long scar that started right in the middle of his forehead and cut all the way down to his lower left check. I always wondered how he got it… maybe I should have asked him.

People had something against Carmine. They thought he was a wimp, a looser. I was the only one who could see through that seemingly innocent frame and gaze into the real him. During lunchtime I took my tray of shit food and sat on the other side of the table he was sitting at.

“What the hell do you want?” He mumbled from behind his glass of orange juice. They didn’t serve anything special at the base’s cafeteria. Slop and either milk or orange juice was the menu. Every fucking day. Andrew placed the now half empty cup on the table and stared at the orange liquid.

“My name’s Cayden. Cayden Jones.” I said holding my hand out for him to shake. He didn’t shake it. Awkwardly I lowered my hand and grabbed my fork. “Food fucking sucks, eh?” I said trying to break the ice.
“Yeah, I guess.” He said, twirling a string of what was supposed to be spaghetti around on his fork. He didn’t eat it.

“Not much of a talker?” I asked with a slight giggle behind my words. Carmine didn’t answer. Andrew continued to swirl the piece of spaghetti around and around on his fork, but he still didn’t eat it. I stared at the pasta for a moment then said, “You gonna eat that?”

Andrew frowned, “Fuck no. Who would eat this shit?” He said, still spinning the spaghetti around and around.

“Ha! I finally got you to say something!” I smiled. Andrew dropped the fork down on his plate and let the sound ring throughout the cafeteria.

“What the fuck do you want?” He snapped. “Can I eat my lunch in peace or do you have to annoy the hell out of me for the next 30 minutes!” Everyone stopped what he or she was eating and stared at us.

“Hey, sorry! I just wanted to meet the new guy, make sure he ain’t lonely, or need someone to be his buddy for the bathroom!” I snapped back.

“Just leave me alone. Don’t you get it? I don’t want to talk to anyone here. I don’t need any friends.”

Abruptly, I stood up, grabbed my shit food, and left that ass hole. What was he to me? I didn’t need to be friends with an ass like that. Everyone continued his or her lunch like nothing happened.

I sat down beside the people I usually ate lunch with and said, “What ‘cha talking about?” I took a bite out of the apple that a swiped from someone’s tray.

“Not much…” A big blonde, Sarge, said. “Hey what’s up with you and Carmine?”

I scowled. That guy was a total ass at first. I didn’t want anything to do with him. I leaned in to the group and whispered harshly, “The new guys fucking insane!” I quickly glanced over my shoulder to see if Carmine was looking my way… He was.
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Tell me what ya'll think so I can one day be good at this! No flame only constructive criticism! <3

I'd help, but I'm sure some of my error improvements might turn into more errors, lol.

I'm sure some people could help though

EDIT: I'm also not gay, and don't want to read about gay love...

Superevil225 wrote: contains some... gayness... really... 2 guys fall in love... so yeah.... if that makes you awkward... don't read... It's not like it will be smut... it'll just have dudes kissing...

TG; DR

Too Gay; Didn't read

Lulz, nah I will read it.

Actually pretty good!

knife in a box wrote:Actually pretty good!

Fag

Hell I ain't gay

Superevil225 wrote: The first day I met Andrew Carmine?

HOLY SHIT-LULZ

I have the perfect ending. So they are at war, and Carmines Sniper rifle jams........

Are you thinking of the Carmine brothers in Gears Of War? I just used that last name because I liked it... Did I just copy a name?

Okay, I read the whole thing. I think you use the word fuck too much. If you're going to swear, do it properly damnit! lol. Use many swears, the word fuck was getting rather stale bby the end of it.

Besides that, I think it's pretty good! Seems more like a diary/journal than a story though. I found the beginning to be a rather good hook, it makes you expect something, and yet all of the hate at first makes you want to find out how enemies become gay lovers, especially with a thought to be straight man.

By the way I'm making these comments as I read through it.

You swear too much, a swear word can be very, very effective in expressing the seriousness of a situation. But you are using them too much, tone down maybe?

It was a hot summer day

Shouldn't it be "summers" day?

OK 'fuck' is used for a reason... Think about it. Agresive men, in the american military who are drunk half the time... but yea, I see your point! Less fucking! (LOL Inuendo to the max!) AHAHAHA and it works for the story! I feel like a pervert.... really..... lol

Why less fucking? Well if its guys then I say no fucking

Superevil, we all know you're a pervert, it's nothing to be ashamed of, lol.

Yes, the word fuck could be your most common word, but that's the ONLY swear you have in there! I didn't see a single damn, shit or cock........ I'll stop listing out swears now XD

cunt! Ok... I'll stop too...............

Superevil225 wrote:cunt! Ok... I'll stop too...............

The main character Cayden Jones is very odd. He is a military guy and is stereotyped to be a macho, homophobic, serious guy. Yet the characters actions contradict that a lot. Why would he go over a sit to the new guy acting very feminine?

“What ‘cha talking about?”

Why does he talk like a high school girl?

because I think like a high school girl! Ok, I'll keep that in mind... during that part I was trying to make him say that jokingly.... but it didn't come across the way! XD Thanks for your criticism japsa! It is appreciated! <3

......

Alex wasn't thanked.....

*cries*

I'm going to go make an incredibly long post saying how my presence is important and how my leaving immediately is a huge deal.....

EDIT: JOKE

Makin' fun of me, eh?

Gonna happen sometime.

You're going to tear the head of a stuffed bear?

By the way, that post classifies as butthurt.

Saj, I wasn't making fun of you I was making fun of the Banjo forum, lol.

Saj, Alex is lying. He was making fun of you.

Instead of the bear try yourself.

Hero of Lemon wrote:Instead of the bear try yourself.

It's posts like this that start flame wars.....

@Saj: I still think you're cool

There's always one.