Y'know That Weird Idea I Had For A Story.

Yeah remember the one with the werewolf in WW2, well I decided to begin to write it. I only just started and this is really rough, but tell me what you think of the first 366 words. XD
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“Don’t touch him!” the young American man snapped.

“Why? All I’m doing is putting a blanket over him,” The Russian said, holding her blanket up.

“He’s a Nazi,” the American whispered, pointing to the torn and nearly destroyed swastika armband.

“Grow a heart, William! He’s got to be younger than 20, and look what he’s been through. German or not, I’m going to help him,” the Russian woman snapped.

“I dunno, Alena, I’m going to have to go with William on this one,” the Canadian said quietly.

“Rogger, did I ask for your opinion?” Alena snapped. The Canadian shook his head. “Exactly.”

“Shut your bloody mouths. All of you!” snapped an Englishman. “Think this through! Why would a German be hiding around in Russia, clothes torn and alone? He’s running away. Look, lets take him in and see if he's like us. Full moon, torn clothes, bullet wounds - you all know what this means.”

“Kaine, are you sure he’s a wer—“ began Alena.

“Shh! Do you want everyone to know what we’re up to?” Kaine hissed.

“I agree with Kaine,” Jacques, a French man, said.

“He’s a Nazi, kill him and get it over with. Shoot his German ass,” Shen said.

“Shen! Do you have any feelings?” Jacques shouted.

“That’s what we would have done in China,” Shen shrugged.

The fight continued, until Cooper, an Australian, broke it up. “Shut up! All of you!” Nobody listened to him. Cooper snatched his gun and fired it rapidly into the air. “Shut the fuck up!” Everyone stopped and stared at the angry Aussie. “We are going to take this kid back to the house and take care of him. We’ll decide what to do with this Nazi when he isn't nearly dead. Okay?”

Shen began to say something, but then Cooper snapped again. “I don’t want to hear another word from you, slit eyed fuck!” Shen looked down somewhat disappointed. “Wankers,” Cooper mumbled, putting his gun away.

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“Don’t put your face so close to him Jacques. You’re going to scare him,” William hissed. The young German had been passed out for days and he was just beginning to wake up. Everyone was curious as to what the German was like.

“Je suis désole,” Jacques snapped sarcastically.

“Sorry I don’t speak retard,” William whispered.

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That's all I've got so far. Still a rough and there is definitely room for improvement. This part is mainly dialogue, that's the point, so I'm mainly running by the dialogue. BTW it's set in WW2 so if any of you find anything that would be really REALLY out of character for someone in the 1940's to say, let me know, but not to particular, because the dialogue is meant to be a little more modern.

I like how it instantly starts with them talking. It gives it a mysterious, ominous feeling, like you have no idea what's going on. I love it!

Thank you, anything you found wrong with it?

Try to change some of the diction up to fit the time zone and nationalities

Alright! Were there any characters in particular who's diction was wonkey?

The Russian woman, Canadian, and Shen

Also you might not want to say "om nom nom" said the Canadian

You could do like " om nom nom" said Bob who was an American soldier

Lol om nom nom... tee hee...

But yes, I see your point. Improvements too the rescue!

“Don’t touch him!” the young American man snapped.

To be quite honest, this very first line was a huge turn off for the rest of the thing.

Mainly it's the grammar. "The young american man" sounds like a little much to say, and seems to be a bit jumbled up. Chop that sentence up and add detail.

When you're starting a book off with dialogue, you'd god-damn best be certain the grammar is downright amazing. Else the story will come off weak and the reader will automatically decide, "oh, this isn't good, it sounds like it was written by a little kid!". I'm not saying it's THAT BAD, but real readers are snobs. (of course I mean that in the best possible sense ) Ya gotta impress them early on to catch their interest. The internet isn't necessarily the best place to have it proof read, really. (seeing as the majority of the people on the internet couldn't spell if their lives depended on it)

Despite that, I like it. Interesting dialogue and you've definitely learned to tone down the swearing thumbs up

Now I have to stop being a hypocrite and actually write the way I tell others to write.... Lol. when I write, the part of my brain that determines good or bad grammar shuts off

Superevil225 wrote:"Kaine, are you he’s a wer—" began Alena.

Of all the lines of improper grammar I have ever read that is probably the worst. Unless that is intentional, I would recommend fixing it.

P.S. The lines of improper grammar refers to everything I have ever read that was professionally made.
P.S.S. Note how I called you professional. That is the standard you seem to keep while writing stories and mini-novels.

Whoops, that's a big oopsie, if you look hard enough in all of my writing you'll find my lack of proof reading. Thanks, finally some people who will critique! XD

Superevil225 wrote:Whoops, that's a big oopsie, if you look hard enough in all of my writing you'll find my lack of proof reading. Thanks, finally some people who will critique! XD

Lol, yeah, I could tell there was lack of proof reading (something I forget to do all the time XD).

Pssht who needs proof reading when you kick ass?

People who want other people to think they're kick ass, lol.

Well those people suck. True kick ass-ness is in the heart!

"Believe it!"

True kick-assness is in the heart, because the heart fuels the brain and cells and then the brain tells the leg to kick ass