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» Later...
make a story EmptySat Feb 06, 2010 12:37 am by The Joker

» The End of Epique
make a story EmptyFri Feb 05, 2010 8:54 pm by Alex

» Good-Bye
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» Runescape names
make a story EmptyFri Feb 05, 2010 5:14 pm by japsa

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» Baccano? Anyone? Probably not....
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» Just a suggestion
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» 40's song?
make a story EmptyWed Feb 03, 2010 12:37 am by Alex

» I haz a muffa fukin ideaz
make a story EmptyTue Feb 02, 2010 8:18 pm by Captain Dredlokk

Poll

The Best Vampire!

make a story Vote_lcap11%make a story Vote_rcap 11% [ 2 ]
make a story Vote_lcap5%make a story Vote_rcap 5% [ 1 ]
make a story Vote_lcap16%make a story Vote_rcap 16% [ 3 ]
make a story Vote_lcap5%make a story Vote_rcap 5% [ 1 ]
make a story Vote_lcap0%make a story Vote_rcap 0% [ 0 ]
make a story Vote_lcap63%make a story Vote_rcap 63% [ 12 ]

Total Votes : 19


make a story

+3
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Post by oscarstrok Sun Nov 08, 2009 3:31 pm

this thread is where we make up stories and share them with us

i'll start. mine is based on warhammer 40k after the events of the kronus campaign on dawn of war dark crusade


OPENING


after the blood ravens victory on kronus to secure the secret documents of the past of there capter. captain davin thule was the only one to read them, but it was not what he, neither expected or wanted, as he read on it soon said that the blood ravens chapter was, to be exact, a legion of chaos failed to be corrupted by the evil gods of khrone. the inquisition were the only ones to have known and tried to prevent the blood ravens to know the truth, but they were too trusting to the capter.

many years have past and the blood ravens, who left kronus to the imperial guard to colonize, found a new planet to call home. the planet Ezekielis was a trundra type planethat is miled in the summer, yet blistering harsh in the winters, but the blood ravens were happy, and so were the civilians.
but this was not to last. it turns out that the planet was once a tau planet, which was nearly destroyed after a civil war with the tau before the humens discovered them. now the tau want it back, and there not gonna stop unless we do something now.

that is why i chose you, brother oscar, you and your elite team of specialists: wertus, antaruria, alexur, dandus and sagestrius to find a way of killing of this threat and save millions of lives fron the xenos. if you fail, it will be a death sentance on our chapter.
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Post by japsa Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:04 pm

This was just so short it sucked hard. For something so short there are a lot of grammar errors, a few spelling errors and generally just sentences that suck.

After you wrote it did you proof read it once?
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Post by knife in a box Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:29 pm

It was an opening for a story though Japsa :P

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Post by japsa Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:34 pm

Therefore, it should contain a lot of necessary back story. It was still way to short. If people post stories I will criticize as a reader, not as a writer.
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Post by oscarstrok Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:36 pm

japsa wrote:This was just so short it sucked hard. For something so short there are a lot of grammar errors, a few spelling errors and generally just sentences that suck.

After you wrote it did you proof read it once?


reported, hey say stuff like that and hopefully you will get banned (please)

seriously, its now a reviewing thread, or a spelling one.

sorry for saying that stuff, but unless you change your ways you will be hated on these forums, its a half decent one which i came up in 5 minuetes, and i wanted to create a friendly topic


if you find any spelling mistakes please edit my post to correct them JAPSA
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Post by japsa Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:41 pm

It's criticism, If you can't take it don't post your stories. If we were to tell you that it was awesome we would be lying to you, it needs work FACT!

When I first started writing stories and getting them criticized. I got butthurt from people "helping me out", and I stopped writing them. Then I realized there is no nice way to give criticism.

Don't get butthurt when people tell you your story sucks. RE-WRITE IT.

I should apologies I read my post again it was more just being a jerk than actually saying what it wrong with the story.
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Post by oscarstrok Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:47 pm

so? dosnt mean you need to say "it sucks with alot of spelling errors"

make a educated post critizising, and only complain about spelling if its unreadable,

think before typing, or end up in forge hub
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Post by japsa Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:51 pm

Firstly, no idea what forge hub is!

Secondly, I lol'd.

Thirdly, I'm sorry I was a penis.
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Post by Alex Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:54 pm

Okay Japsa, there is a fine line between criticism and just plain being rude. Calm yourself.
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Post by japsa Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:56 pm

Alex, you're late, I realized that and apologized.
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Post by Alex Sun Nov 08, 2009 5:08 pm

I thought you were being sarcastic :/
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Post by japsa Sun Nov 08, 2009 5:11 pm

oscarstrok wrote:
After the Blood Ravens brutal victory on Kronus, aiming to secure the secret documents detailing the past of there captor. Captain Davin Thule was the only one to read the secret documents, when he read the documents it was not what he expected or wanted. As he unveiled the mysteries the documents held, it revealed the Blood Ravens chapter was, to be exact, a legion of chaos failed to be corrupted by the evil gods of Khorne. The inquisition were the only ones to have known this, and tried to prevent the Blood Ravens from discovering the truth, but they were too trusting to the captor.

I re-wrote your first paragraph, hope you don't mind.
Take a read and check the differences.

it revealed the Blood Ravens chapter was, to be exact, a legion of chaos failed to be corrupted by the evil gods of Khorne
I enjoyed that line a lot and tried to leave in as much as I could.

when I read "capter" I presume you mean capture?
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Post by oscarstrok Mon Nov 09, 2009 12:29 pm

no, i ment chapter

my keyboard keys are rertarded so you have to press hard to type
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Post by japsa Mon Nov 09, 2009 12:32 pm

Hammer time.
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Post by knife in a box Mon Nov 09, 2009 6:32 pm

@Oscar: Hate when that happens it pisses me off :@

@Jaspa: I tried before..Lets just say it didn't work xD

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Post by japsa Mon Nov 09, 2009 6:36 pm

I don't mean to hammer time to fix his keyboard, I mean to smash it into pieces.
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Post by knife in a box Mon Nov 09, 2009 6:39 pm

Yea I actually tried using a hammer to type because it was so messed up :P

I kinda broke some of the keys though ^_^

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Post by Captain Dredlokk Fri Nov 13, 2009 9:08 pm

This is going to be a seemingly long story, so I'm going to post in chapters....
This is the opening chapter based on the beginning of Time (And pleez dont rant on about "The universe wasnt formed that way!" and blah blah blah... Just enjoy [Also, read whole thing before criticize...])
________________________________________________________________________________
><><><><><><><><><><><><The Tale of Armatia><><><><><><><><><><><><
________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter One: The Beginning
________________________________________________________________________________
In the beginning, far before the universe we inhabit today, there was but one realm. This realm, known as the heavens to the humans and screeves alike, was known as home to the great god Armatikonn. This god, however, even with having his great godly abilities, was in every aspect, lonely. With his loneliness, he came up with an idea to create two sons to keep him company.

He knew that creating two gods would result in a very chaotic commotion, so he created a second realm, known to humans and screeves as the universe, but known to the great Armatikonn as "The Void." When he finished creating the void, he used it as a ground to create his two sons. When he created the two minor gods, two great storms occured in the void; one for each son. The storms flung cosmic and astral occurances all throughout the void, spewing forth galaxies, nebulas, stars, planets, asteroids, comets, and all cosmic and astral things alike. After this great comotion, the two godly sons step out of this storm. They were named Earthonir, who had great compasion for all, and Screevius, who had a mighty ego that made think he was a great master of all, accept his father, who was the only person or thing he showed respect towards.

The great Armatikonn was impressed with his creation, so brewing up another idea, he decided to put their powers to the test. He said in a mountain-tremmbling voice, "My two mighty sons, Earthonir, and Screevius. I have decided to test your abilities to see if you two are fit to be gods. Each of you must create a grand civilization. You each have ten millenia to perfect your civilizations. They must have flourishing abilities of crop growth, city civilization, and abilities to defend themselves in dire situations. After ten millenia, I'll send a pleague of demons forth on each civilization for them to defend from. If the civilization can manage itself for another millenia after the pleague of demons, then you shall be considered a god. But should your civilization fail, then you shall face the same fate as it. Now with my mighty word said, let the challenge begin!" From that moment on, the great creation of the worlds became known as the great challenge, taken straight from Armatikonn's world-shaking words.

Afterwards the two minor gods began to work on their civilizations. Earthonir created an atomosphere and a suitable world on a planet and with a mighty flash created his civilization starting with two civilians. When his work was done, he briefed his people on their task of colinization and preparation of battle. The two civilians accepted their task and named their species and planet. They named their species "Human" after their inheireted humane and compasionate characteristics from Earthonir, and they named their planet "Earth" after Earthonir himself.

All the while, Screevius whipped up his world and people in flash. The two people of Screevius were also briefed on their task and named their world and species. Their world was named, "Armatia," named after the great overgod Armatikonn, and their species named, "Screeve," after the name of their god Screevius. Now even though the humans and screeves both look alike in appearence, the screeves also inheireted the ego and cockyness of Screevius. This made them very less prone to joining sides and fighting together for a common goal. With Screevius knowing this, he enhanced his people to be nearly threefold of human abilities, including physique, intellect, and technological advances.

With the two civilizations created, the two gods put forth a large variety of environments on their planets for different growings of different crops, and to none the less impress their father. The also put forth the lesser species on their planets know by humans and screeves as animals. Besides using this impress their father even more, they used these animals to train fierce hunters and noble defenders for when the pleague of demons is sent forth. Now the civilizations were based on a matter of waiting and constant watch by the gods who created them.

Once ten millenia had passed, Armatikonn said to his sons, "The time has come to put your civilizations to the real challenge. Brief them, as it will not be long before the demons attack. You will not know when this attack will be, so make sure your civilizations are prepared for an ambush like no other." The gods did what was told to them by the mighty overgod Armatikonn, and waited very anxiously for the attack. They waited, and waited, and waited, for nearly month when the civlilizations began to have doubts in their gods warning. Once the people had their doubts, the most foul, evil, and terrifying demons in the form of giant serpents with steel-like fangs ripped from under each worlds surface and attacked.

The two gods who created the worlds shouted in a loud voice to their civilizations, "The demons are attacking! You must defend yourselves now!" The civilizations grabbed as many weapons as possible, set as many traps as possible, and sought refuge in their shelters to prepare for an onslaught. It was only a matter of time before the demons would be there. The Great Challenge had officially begun.
________________________________________________________________________________
End of Chapter One: The Beginning
________________________________________________________________________________
Tune in next time for Chapter Two: The Deamonic Wars
________________________________________________________________________________
><><><><><><><><><><><><The Tale of Screevonia><><><><><><><><><><><><
________________________________________________________________________________
Commentz and constructive criticism anyone?


Last edited by Captain Dredlokk on Mon Nov 16, 2009 11:19 am; edited 1 time in total
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Post by japsa Sat Nov 14, 2009 12:11 pm

OK, well, Screevonia. To me it always seems to say Screen-ovia. I would just consider changing the name, it seems like you have just used a suffix and doesn't read well.

"The Void", I have always thought there was already a place called the void which is the space between parallel universes. Consider changing that as well.

The great God is incredibly lonely and decides to create two sons, this would lead the reader to think the God has compassion and cares about things. Then you find out he has intentions to send swarms of demons to attack the worlds his sons create. This shows great malice and lack of sympathy, which in my opinion contradicts with his compassion.


A millenia is around 1000 years. Too a god like, eternal being, that seems like a very short amount of time. Taking evolution and discovery into consideration it just doesn't seem like a long enough time.

They names their species human after the word humane? I think the term humane came from human so it's sort of unreasonable.

If Screevonia could just make his people "better" at the click of a finger what is stopping Earthonir doing the same?

They waited for nearly a month? Again, when talking about something of godlike proportion a month is barely anything, it's just a blip of time.

You could describe the demons and humans a bit more.

There are a few spelling and grammar errors, but only few. Grammar and spelling errors are not really that important so I didn't mention them.

Generally it's not a bad idea. Just one thing I'm wondering about is where will the next chapter go? Will it be present tense?
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Post by Captain Dredlokk Sat Nov 14, 2009 1:41 pm

japsa wrote:OK, well, Screevonia. To me it always seems to say Screen-ovia. I would just consider changing the name, it seems like you have just used a suffix and doesn't read well.

"The Void", I have always thought there was already a place called the void which is the space between parallel universes. Consider changing that as well.

The great God is incredibly lonely and decides to create two sons, this would lead the reader to think the God has compassion and cares about things. Then you find out he has intentions to send swarms of demons to attack the worlds his sons create. This shows great malice and lack of sympathy, which in my opinion contradicts with his compassion.


A millenia is around 1000 years. Too a god like, eternal being, that seems like a very short amount of time. Taking evolution and discovery into consideration it just doesn't seem like a long enough time.

They names their species human after the word humane? I think the term humane came from human so it's sort of unreasonable.

If Screevonia could just make his people "better" at the click of a finger what is stopping Earthonir doing the same?

They waited for nearly a month? Again, when talking about something of godlike proportion a month is barely anything, it's just a blip of time.

You could describe the demons and humans a bit more.

There are a few spelling and grammar errors, but only few. Grammar and spelling errors are not really that important so I didn't mention them.

Generally it's not a bad idea. Just one thing I'm wondering about is where will the next chapter go? Will it be present tense?
I'll consider changing the name, but it may take me a while

"The Void" is the one empty space we know as the universe (In this story...) that Armatikonn formed as a testing grounds for his sons to be created, which formed the universe... There is no space between the heavens and universe (Seems unlogical, but basically the two are just... well there... Once you reach the end of one, you come back in through the other end of it... Like a paradox if u will...Seems unrealistic, but remember, with gods, reality can mean nothing....

Armatikonn creates two sons and sends a pleague of demons... I know where this could throw somebody of course... The idea, shown in severe differences to his two sons, shows that he has a sort of two personalities... Earthonir, the compasionate, and Screevonius, the egotisitic and... well "bad-ass in charge person" if u will... This shows that Armatikonn has great compasion, but knows he's in charge... This in turn, rubs off on his two sons...

I agree... 3 millenia seems short to a god, but think about the people... With their natural mortal characteristics, it is a long time to them... Maybe a few more millenia for discovery of things, but evolution is not in this story... People were just formed from nothing by their god...

As for the term humane, i'll have to work on it... Just trying to find a reason to call them human really (I'm lazy :D )...

Earthonir, having already finishing his world, did not realize his peoples weakness, but used their compasion as a weapon of team forming, thinking it was enough... Screevonius, however, knew that the proud ego that rubbed off on his people would make them think they were better and not work together, so he made them beyond the expectation of a mortal... One civilization of armies, one of super people...

As said before, the month was like nothing to the gods, but as in the story, "The people begin to have doubt in their gods..." therefore showing that the people do not have the same conception of time, making them less pacient and to better test the peoples resorcefulness in dire situations in the eyes of Armatikonn...

I'll try to better my descriptions of the demons and humans...

I know... I spelled demons as deamons...

Story is based during the early ages of our universe... The next chapter will go on about the war bettween the two species of people, and the demons...

I'll try to work on it later, and thanx for the critcicism :D :D :D
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Post by japsa Sat Nov 14, 2009 1:48 pm

I'll continue reading it make a story 650812

I read Deamon as Daemon. I think a daemon is a fallen angel or something so it still made sense.
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Post by Alex Sat Nov 14, 2009 2:14 pm

I made a story, hold on to your hats, folks, it's a doozy.

A Kind Punishment


I sat in the dank and decrepit room. A single bulb lighting the ominously dark room as it swung back and forth, back and forth. It’s really marvelous when you think about it; the mechanics of a pendulum are mind-boggling. I still couldn’t believe it. I knew they were going to process me, it was only a matter of time, I’m certain this is how it happens. I need a distraction to keep my mind off of it, thinking about it to much can’t be healthy. Keeping myself occupied would be a lot easier if there was any more than a light-bulb and a chair.
Those dictator dirt bags, they let you sit there, wait until you go mad, I won’t let it happen; I wouldn’t let those fools get to me.
I knew joining the Enforcement was a bad idea, I knew the risk of getting “processed” but my arrogance seemed to have gotten the better of me. I’m scared. I would have felt lonely if I didn’t already know the entire room was chock full of cameras and microphones. Damn them, damn them to hell. I can’t stand being here any more. I knew the Citadel was a bad idea; nobody is stupid enough to actually bring the destruction of the entire planet.
I bet everyone outside is laughing at us. Us “Survivors” and our tiny fortress of steel. I bet that everything is fine, nothing happened to the planet in the last 10 years and we are just crazy.
The government claims the outside world is a “Dystopia”, that there is nothing left for us outside.
I think hat’s a bag if lies. The outside world is fine; we don’t need to be in here. Those billionaire fat-cats were probably lying to us from the start. I mean damn, they are probably getting ready to abandon us here, let us run out of food, starve. I won’t let it happen, I’ll get out of here somehow, they can’t keep us locked in this god-forsaken place!
Someone is coming, I hear footsteps. Maybe I’ve won! Maybe they are finally letting me go. They’ve probably I’m no use to them and they’re finally letting me go!

The dark room lit up and the door behind me opened.
“Sergeant Conwell?” said a dark silhouette.
“Yes? Have you finished playing games?” I responded.
“Not quite, come with me, Conwell, the general wants to speak with you.”
This can’t be good, this obviously isn’t any normal processing.

I walk into the next room and my jaw drops. The walls are literally draped with surveillance cameras. The room appeared to be divided in half, one side had pictures of the inside of the citadel while the other side taking surveillance of… Something else. It appeared to be some sort of outside terrain but I couldn’t be sure as my attention is now fixated on the table in the middle of the room.

“Have a seat, sergeant.” Ordered the General as he was sitting on the far-side of the table.
I sat down on the opposite end of the table and asked, “This is a little out of your way to process someone, isn’t it General? If you want me to become a bloody marine I’ll do it.”
“Oh no,” exclaimed the General, “this isn’t ‘processing’ or whatever your Enforcement slang calls our recruitment. No, we have something special in store for you.”
As I was smirking I replied, “Really? Well you always were so very ‘mysterious’, are you finally going to let me go back on duty now? Or am I going to be a part of some freak experiment?”
With a huge grin on his face the General replied, “No, we were thinking something a little different for you. You see, we’ve been monitoring you, and…”
“Hold on,” I said while interrupting, “you’ve been watching me? Well that definitely makes me feel safer.”
The general does not look pleased, “Son, I am your General and I suggest showing a little respect, I could have you dead if I wanted. Now pay attention. We have been monitoring you for awhile now, and we have determined you have what it takes.”
After listening I said, “I have what it takes? For what?”
“Well,” said the general as his grin grew larger, “to join the marines, of course!”
“Well I don’t accept, the marines are nothing but trouble.” I explained.
“But Conwell, you don’t exactly have a choice in the matter now do you?” Replied the General as his grin grew into a smile, “We need you to lead one of our squads! I’m sure you’ve heard of it, I believe they call themselves team Omega.”
“What?” I exclaimed, “But I don’t know anything about the marines! You can’t just expect me to lead a squad without any training!”
“Why do you think we’d do that? Of course you will be trained. We would never think otherwise.” Explained the general, “Private Banks?”
“Sir!” Said my escort.
“Take this man to the vault; we need him out there learning the ropes.”
“Out there?” I said, “Out where?”
“Conwell, the outside world isn’t as dead as we tell the public, and it sure as hell isn’t as lively as you think it is. Now hurry up, your squad is getting restless.”

And that was my life for the next 5 years, training. I still couldn’t believe it, the outside world was nothing like I imagined. There were no trees, nothing was green, and not a single little animal existed without some sort of mutation. To be honest, going outside the Citadel for the first time was an extreme shock. I knew that the world wasn’t totally destroyed, but I had no idea it was in such bad shape. Was the whole planet like this? Is it just here?

We were just doing another training mission, me and my squad. We were to do some “reconnaissance” in one of the empty caves. We did the regular routine; Marshall went in first, assault rifle at the ready, followed by me and Cormack, sub-machine guns at the ready while Bravo kept us covered from behind. No problem, just another reconnaissance mission right? That was until Marshall claimed to be hearing panting.
“It’s nothing,” I assured him, “just your imagination.”
The panting was getting louder and louder, now me and Cormack were beginning to hear it too.
“Should we go back?” asked Cormack with a look of fear in his eyes.
“No Cormack, we keep going. We need to finish this training routine or corporal Sanchez will be angry.” I explained

We were still moving on, it’s been at least 10 minutes. I could still hear the wild panting coming from ahead. Then I realized-
“Bravo?” I asked.
“Yes sir?” He replied.
“Have you seen Marshall?”
“Hmm, now that you mention it is awfully quiet, he hasn’t radioed in awhile.”
I turned on the radio and said, “Marshall? Marshall come in! Are you there? Do you read me?”
No answer, only a low pitch crackling emanating from the ear-piece of my helmet.
“Uh, sir?” Said Cormack, fear trailing off his voice.
“What is it Cormack?” I replied.
“I think I found Marshall”
I ran over to Cormack and, to my horror, found Marshall, soaked in a crimson red.
“How could this happen?!” I exclaimed, “How could a trained marine just be….. Murdered like this! He couldn’t have fell with a whole damned suit of armour! What happened?”
“Sir,” said Cormack, “Is it just me or has the panting stopped?”
He was right, the panting did stop. It made me scared, what the hell was this place?
“Okay, let’s get out of here.” I told the squad.
“But sir,” explained Cormack, “The mission…”
“Screw the mission! Marshall is dead by God knows what! I don’t want the same happening to us!”
“But—“
“That’s an order Cormack! Bravo, lead the way.”

We left as quickly as we could, whatever the hell that thing was we didn’t want anything to do with it. That’s when we heard the panting once again.
“Hold up!” I ordered, “listen…”
The panting grew louder and louder.
“Omega, guns ready!”
It ended faster than it started. First to go was Bravo. You could hear him wail as his life was taken away. Then went Cormack, poor guy, he was a good kid. One moment he was behind me, the next he was behind a rock, screaming at the top of his lungs. Only I remained, I fired gun wildly. Whatever it was it was not going to take me, not while I still had a breath in my lungs.
A shadow in the corner, I fired. The other side, I fired. It was hopeless, I was doomed. I would die in this god forsaken cave and nobody was going to even know. They’ll report me MIA and not care one bit. I wasn’t giving up without a fight. Another shadow, I fired. Another shadow, the gun made a quiet click. Damnit, out of ammo. I was doomed. Who knew fate could be so cruel?
A quick pain in my neck and then I felt nothing.

It was just another morning. Tonnes of paperwork, too many commissions to file. It wasn’t until I read the letter of decease.
November 17, 2317

Sergeant Avery Conwell has been found to be KIA after a reconnaissance of Archaic Cave. Along with 3 of his squad-mates, Conwell had been found to be brutally murdered. Who or what murdered him is unknown, but what we do know is he was not killed by a blunt object, or even metal, but rather something organic had gotten through his neck-guard and cut his neck.

I stopped reading from there; there was no reason to continue. Damnit! I lost him. Damnit, I lost the man who meant the most to me. I thought that signing up for the marine force would be a good thing, he would be safe from the rebels, I thought he would never be hurt. I was wrong. I never even had the chance to tell him…

To tell him he was my son.
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make a story Empty Re: make a story

Post by Superevil225 Sat Nov 14, 2009 8:00 pm

Hey... I have a question.... How appropriate does the story have to be? Cause I got one but it's got some lovely language and implied rape... is it still allowed to be posted in the "make a story"?
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make a story Empty Re: make a story

Post by japsa Sat Nov 14, 2009 8:07 pm

YES POST NAO!
It's fictional right?
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make a story Empty Re: make a story

Post by Superevil225 Sat Nov 14, 2009 8:17 pm

yes it is... I still need to do some adjustments....
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make a story Empty Re: make a story

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