make a story

Captain Dredlokk wrote:This is going to be a seemingly long story, so I'm going to post in chapters....
This is the opening chapter based on the beginning of Time (And pleez dont rant on about "The universe wasnt formed that way!" and blah blah blah... Just enjoy [Also, read whole thing before criticize...])
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><><><><><><><><><><><><The Tale of Screevonia><><><><><><><><><><><><
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Chapter One: The Beginning
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In the beginning, far before the universe we inhabit today, there was but one realm. This realm, known as the heavens to the humans and screeves alike, was known as home to the great god Armatikonn. This god, however, even with having his great godly abilities, was in every aspect, lonely. With his loneliness, he came up with an idea to create two sons to keep him company. He knew that creating two gods would result in a very chaotic commotion, so he created a second realm, known to humans and screeves as the universe, but known to the great Armatikonn as "The Void." When he finished creating the void, he used it as a ground to create his two sons. When he created the two minor gods, two great storms occured in the void; one for each son. The storms flung cosmic and astral occurances all throughout the void, spewing forth galaxies, nebulas, stars, planets, asteroids, comets, and all cosmic and astral things alike. After this great comotion, the two godly sons step out of this storm. They were named Earthonir, who had great compasion for all, and Screevonius, who had a mighty ego that made think he was a great master of all, accept his father, who was the only person or thing he showed respect towards.. The great Armatikonn was impressed with his creation, so brewing up another idea, he decided to put their powers to the test. He said in a mountain-tremmbling voice, "My two mighty sons, Earthonir, and Screevonius. I have decided to test your abilities to see if you two are fit to be gods. Each of you must create a grand civilization. You each have three millenia to perfect your civilizations. They must have flourishing abilities of crop growth, city civilization, and abilities to defend themselves in dire situations. After three millenia, I'll send a pleague of deamons forth on each civilization for them to defend from. If the civilization can manage itself for another millenia after the pleague of deamons, then you shall be considered a god. But should your civilization fail, then you shall face the same fate as it. Now with my mighty word said, let the challenge begin!" From that moment on, the great creation of the worlds became known as the great challenge, taken straight from Armatikonn's world-shaking words. Afterwards the two minor gods began to work on their civilizations. Earthonir created an atomosphere and a suitable world on a planet and with a mighty flash created his civilization starting with two civilians. When his work was done, he briefed his people on their task of colinization and preparation of battle. The two civilians accepted their task and named their species and planet. They named their species "Human" after their inheireted humane and compasionate characteristics from Earthonir, and they named their planet "Earth" after Earthonir himself. All the while, Screevonius whipped up his world and people in flash. The two people of Screevonius were also briefed on their task and named their world and species. Their world was named, "Screevonia," and their species named, "Screeve," both after the name of their god. Now even though the humans and screeves both look alike in appearence, the screeves also inheireted the ego and cockyness of Screevonius. This made them very less prone to joining sides and fighting together for a common goal. With Screevonius knowing this, he enhanced his people to be nearly threefold of human abilities, including physique, intellect, and technological advances. With the two civilizations created, the two gods put forth a large variety of environments on their planets for different growings of different crops, and to none the less impress their father. The also put forth the lesser species on their planets know by humans and screeves as animals. Besides using this impress their father even more, they used these animals to train fierce hunters and noble defenders for when the pleague of deamons is sent forth. Now the civilizations were based on a matter of waiting and constant watch by the gods who created them. Once three millenia had passed, Armatikonn said to his sons, "The time has come to put your civilizations to the real challenge. Brief them, as it will not be long before the deamons attack. You will not know when this attack will be, so make sure your civilizations are prepared for an ambush like no other." The gods did what was told to them by the mighty overgod Armatikonn, and waited very anxiously for the attack. They waited, and waited, and waited, for nearly a month when the civlilizations began to have doubts in their gods warning. Once they had their doubts the most foul, evil, and terrifying deamons ripped from under each worlds surface and attacked. The two gods who created the worlds shouted in a loud voice to their civilizations, "The deamons are attacking! You must defend yourselves now!" The civilizations grabbed as many weapons as possible, set as many traps as possible, and sought refuge in their shelters to prepare for an onslaught. It was only a matter of time before the deamons would be there. The Great Challenge had officially begun.
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End of Chapter One: The Beginning
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Tune in next time for Chapter Two: The Deamonic Wars
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><><><><><><><><><><><><The Tale of Screevonia><><><><><><><><><><><><
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Commentz and constructive criticism anyone?

japsa wrote:OK, well, Screevonia. To me it always seems to say Screen-ovia. I would just consider changing the name, it seems like you have just used a suffix and doesn't read well.

"The Void", I have always thought there was already a place called the void which is the space between parallel universes. Consider changing that as well.

The great God is incredibly lonely and decides to create two sons, this would lead the reader to think the God has compassion and cares about things. Then you find out he has intentions to send swarms of demons to attack the worlds his sons create. This shows great malice and lack of sympathy, which in my opinion contradicts with his compassion.


A millenia is around 1000 years. Too a god like, eternal being, that seems like a very short amount of time. Taking evolution and discovery into consideration it just doesn't seem like a long enough time.

They names their species human after the word humane? I think the term humane came from human so it's sort of unreasonable.

If Screevonia could just make his people "better" at the click of a finger what is stopping Earthonir doing the same?

They waited for nearly a month? Again, when talking about something of godlike proportion a month is barely anything, it's just a blip of time.

You could describe the demons and humans a bit more.

There are a few spelling and grammar errors, but only few. Grammar and spelling errors are not really that important so I didn't mention them.

Generally it's not a bad idea. Just one thing I'm wondering about is where will the next chapter go? Will it be present tense?

Superevil225 wrote:

Captain Dredlokk wrote:This is going to be a seemingly long story, so I'm going to post in chapters....
This is the opening chapter based on the beginning of Time (And pleez dont rant on about "The universe wasnt formed that way!" and blah blah blah... Just enjoy [Also, read whole thing before criticize...])
________________________________________________________________________________
><><><><><><><><><><><><The Tale of Screevonia><><><><><><><><><><><><
________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter One: The Beginning
________________________________________________________________________________
In the beginning, far before the universe we inhabit today, there was but one realm. This realm, known as the heavens to the humans and screeves alike, was known as home to the great god Armatikonn. This god, however, even with having his great godly abilities, was in every aspect, lonely. With his loneliness, he came up with an idea to create two sons to keep him company. He knew that creating two gods would result in a very chaotic commotion, so he created a second realm, known to humans and screeves as the universe, but known to the great Armatikonn as "The Void." When he finished creating the void, he used it as a ground to create his two sons. When he created the two minor gods, two great storms occured in the void; one for each son. The storms flung cosmic and astral occurances all throughout the void, spewing forth galaxies, nebulas, stars, planets, asteroids, comets, and all cosmic and astral things alike. After this great comotion, the two godly sons step out of this storm. They were named Earthonir, who had great compasion for all, and Screevonius, who had a mighty ego that made think he was a great master of all, accept his father, who was the only person or thing he showed respect towards.. The great Armatikonn was impressed with his creation, so brewing up another idea, he decided to put their powers to the test. He said in a mountain-tremmbling voice, "My two mighty sons, Earthonir, and Screevonius. I have decided to test your abilities to see if you two are fit to be gods. Each of you must create a grand civilization. You each have three millenia to perfect your civilizations. They must have flourishing abilities of crop growth, city civilization, and abilities to defend themselves in dire situations. After three millenia, I'll send a pleague of deamons forth on each civilization for them to defend from. If the civilization can manage itself for another millenia after the pleague of deamons, then you shall be considered a god. But should your civilization fail, then you shall face the same fate as it. Now with my mighty word said, let the challenge begin!" From that moment on, the great creation of the worlds became known as the great challenge, taken straight from Armatikonn's world-shaking words. Afterwards the two minor gods began to work on their civilizations. Earthonir created an atomosphere and a suitable world on a planet and with a mighty flash created his civilization starting with two civilians. When his work was done, he briefed his people on their task of colinization and preparation of battle. The two civilians accepted their task and named their species and planet. They named their species "Human" after their inheireted humane and compasionate characteristics from Earthonir, and they named their planet "Earth" after Earthonir himself. All the while, Screevonius whipped up his world and people in flash. The two people of Screevonius were also briefed on their task and named their world and species. Their world was named, "Screevonia," and their species named, "Screeve," both after the name of their god. Now even though the humans and screeves both look alike in appearence, the screeves also inheireted the ego and cockyness of Screevonius. This made them very less prone to joining sides and fighting together for a common goal. With Screevonius knowing this, he enhanced his people to be nearly threefold of human abilities, including physique, intellect, and technological advances. With the two civilizations created, the two gods put forth a large variety of environments on their planets for different growings of different crops, and to none the less impress their father. The also put forth the lesser species on their planets know by humans and screeves as animals. Besides using this impress their father even more, they used these animals to train fierce hunters and noble defenders for when the pleague of deamons is sent forth. Now the civilizations were based on a matter of waiting and constant watch by the gods who created them. Once three millenia had passed, Armatikonn said to his sons, "The time has come to put your civilizations to the real challenge. Brief them, as it will not be long before the deamons attack. You will not know when this attack will be, so make sure your civilizations are prepared for an ambush like no other." The gods did what was told to them by the mighty overgod Armatikonn, and waited very anxiously for the attack. They waited, and waited, and waited, for nearly a month when the civlilizations began to have doubts in their gods warning. Once they had their doubts the most foul, evil, and terrifying deamons ripped from under each worlds surface and attacked. The two gods who created the worlds shouted in a loud voice to their civilizations, "The deamons are attacking! You must defend yourselves now!" The civilizations grabbed as many weapons as possible, set as many traps as possible, and sought refuge in their shelters to prepare for an onslaught. It was only a matter of time before the deamons would be there. The Great Challenge had officially begun.
________________________________________________________________________________
End of Chapter One: The Beginning
________________________________________________________________________________
Tune in next time for Chapter Two: The Deamonic Wars
________________________________________________________________________________
><><><><><><><><><><><><The Tale of Screevonia><><><><><><><><><><><><
________________________________________________________________________________
Commentz and constructive criticism anyone?

Srry I kno Double post... but umm you might want to make it less of a block of text.. add some paragraphs... Makes things more interesting. Other than that I thought it was really cool!

Captain Dredlokk wrote:


Srry I kno Double post... but umm you might want to make it less of a block of text.. add some paragraphs... Makes things more interesting. Other than that I thought it was really cool!
Sorry for double post (Couldnt figure out how to put two different quotes in one post [ yes i use quote button...]) but fixed for the most part....

Alex wrote:

Captain Dredlokk wrote:


Srry I kno Double post... but umm you might want to make it less of a block of text.. add some paragraphs... Makes things more interesting. Other than that I thought it was really cool!
Sorry for double post (Couldnt figure out how to put two different quotes in one post [ yes i use quote button...]) but fixed for the most part....

Hey, try not to quote that much text okay?